Lessons from past Lovers-Five heartbreaking lessons my past relationships taught me
By Yana Ducreay
Hey My loves
So, a lot of internal struggle occurred before invoking the courage to type this particular blog post.
I must say, this has to be one of the hardest blogs I’ve ever written since– Here I am being all vulnerable on this hella judgmental ass internet. I just might have a breakdown or 5 after making this blog post live. (Rolling my eyes in Caribbean)
Anyway, my internal struggle is roughly because, I knew that such an intimate topic would allow others to see my vulnerability & self accountability on my sleeve.
And being a woman who masks her vulnerability with being nonchalant, my anxiety writing this is at an all-time high.
But hey, that’s the purpose of this blog– opening myself so others may not feel as alone & lost in their daily struggles as I often feel.
Life is never coincidental. The people you meet and the moments you experience all have a unique way of being your guide & teacher, and that was the case with all of my past lovers.
I was tempted to label this blog post “Lessons from Failed Lovers.”
That topic in itself led me to wonder, though. Were they really failed lovers? Or did they accomplish exactly what they meant to?
What if I was the one who expected another outcome, and because the reality and my expectations weren’t aligned, I viewed it as a “failure?”
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Anyway, here are five oh-so-beautifully heartbreaking things I learned from my past lovers.
- Don’t put a time frame on grief. I always tried numbing my emotions, doing everything else besides the pain I felt from past lovers till those unhealed wounds. it was okay for a few months till something in me ticked and i felt EVERYTHING all at once.
I learnt that its okay be your own safe space– allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with grieving the what-ifs, the plans you made, your expectations, and all the memories that were created. Don’t rush yourself into moving on so quickly. Take your time and allow yourself to miss what once was.
I, too, was the problem: It’s hard to look into the mirror and take accountability for your part in something not working out how you wanted it to. I had a lot of self rejection, self sabotage & abandonment issues that manifested itself in so many different forms. I learned that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. That certain decisions I made contributed to my reality. (Now that one was a hard pill to swallow! hahaha). It wasn’t as one-sided as I thought it was–Self-accountability for my demons.
Save yourself more times than once. There were moments when I wanted to be chosen so badly, that the more I got rejected, the more I wanted to prove myself (just ONE of the ways my self rejection issues manifested itself) I learned that it’s okay to save myself from myself– as many times as I needed. Walking away from the people that no longer chose me. The people meant to be in your life–platonic or intimate will always choose you, again and again. Well, at least, that’s what I think.
Mirrored Reflections aren’t always true. I internalized every and when I say every, I mean EEVVERRYYYY decision my partner made, as a reflection of me. When in reality how someone treats you isn’t a reflection of you. How someone treats you is a reflection of who they are. If someone is a f*ucking asshole, its a reflection of WHO THEY ARE! NOT YOU!
The art of acceptance. Some things fall apart for better things to come into place. Accepting things for what they are instead of holding on to the what-ifs only stunts your growth. Accept what is for what it is. Read “The art of letting go” if you have an anxious attachment style like I do.
So here I am telling you about me and what I’ve learned from past lovers. Now, it’s your turn. I would love to hear from you.
